


And In That Moment, I Loved You

by tortueux



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Angst, First Love, Flashbacks, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Sad Louis, just a sad lil thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 00:15:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3430844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tortueux/pseuds/tortueux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When met with someone he used to hold closer to his heart than anything, Louis can't help but wonder if he still does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And In That Moment, I Loved You

**Author's Note:**

> Please listen to the Do I Wanna Know? cover by CHVRCHES while reading.

Louis saw him as he was walking in, pulling his long, black coat tight over himself as a strong burst of wind rushed through the door from behind him.

At first, Louis thought to act as if he never knew this man, never seen him in his life, but he quickly dismissed it as stupid, and rather childish. Even if he did look different, with his longer hair and taller height, he still looked basically the same, and almost scarily so. He almost settled on a kind of friendly recognition, a quick chat between two familiars from the past, one that consisted of far too much small talk and uses of the word 'remember'. He could have gotten away with it, too, if it was just a friend he gradually lost contact with a few years before, or an acquaintance he had made at a previous job.

But this was Harry.

This was Harry, who he hadn't seen in five years. Harry, who he had told to forget him. Harry, who had called exactly 212 times after that, all spread out within a few months, until stopping completely.

It was this Harry, his Harry, though he wasn't any longer.

Harry spotted Louis only moments later, and their eyes met, but only for a second, before Harry shifted his away, and fast, as if he saw something he wish he wouldn't have. Which Louis knew, he most definitely did. Louis wondered if Harry was, at that moment, going through the same evaluation he himself was just a few moments before, wondering if he should treat Louis like an old friend, or the old wound he surely was. Harry almost looked as though he was going to turn and walk right out when his hand reached for the door, hovering, but it slowly fell back to his side.

He played it off well, checking his watch and pulling out his phone for a few minutes, fiddling with it, then shoving it back in his pocket. Or, Louis guessed, as well as a man like Harry could.

Louis would have laughed at that, if it wasn't for Harry's legs taking long strides, each closer to Louis, and soon the laugh caught in his throat was stuck there and he felt as if he was choking. The whole moment was too still, to the point where Louis felt the need to repeatedly tap the tip of his shoe against the cold floor, just to feel some kind of rhythm to breathe to. It seemed like an entire lifetime, just the way dread filled moments always do. The clacking of Harry's worn boots hitting the ground was too loud to be real, and Louis had to do everything in his power to not scream.

Then the moment ended abruptly when Harry's last stride took him a bit too far, as his stomach hit the counter in front of Louis, and Harry took a step back, face filled red with embarrassment, or anxiety, and he uttered a soft, "Oops."

Harry must have used up all his air on that one word, since for the next few seconds he kept his mouth tightly shut, Adam's apple rising and falling into synch with Louis' tapping. They stared at each other, awkwardly shifting their gazes, but ultimately landing on each other's once again.

"Hi," Louis let himself say, because this wasn't working, he wasn't working, and everything that he had worked so hard to build up was slipping his mind slowly, but now it was in landslides and it hurt. It hurt so much.

Harry nodded, gripping to the side of the counter tightly, but far too tightly, because the tips of his fingers were getting white. Louis got a sudden urge to grab this those fingers, grab his whole hand, hold it in his own, and never let go.

Harry seemed to be taking the casual route by now, eyes looking up at the menu above Louis' head, his face looking relaxed and in thought to anyone else, but Louis knew better. He remembered when Harry held his emotions, how he'd play it off until Louis did a certain something, like ask him to do something a little too sharply, and that's when he would fall apart, bursting right in front of Louis into whatever it was he had been feeling the need to hide. It had happened countless times, and no matter how many times Louis had told him to just let it all out before it got bad, that he could trust him automatically, he never seemed to listen and the cycle repeated itself. So Louis knew the face well, all too well, and the tight smile he would wear, dimples too deep to be anything but strained.

Eventually Harry ordered some kind of coffee, to which Louis had heard enough in the last few months to instinctively repeat it back to one of his co-workers behind him. He felt Harry's eyes on him as he typed his order into the cash register. Louis typed deliberately slowly, and he wasn't sure if that meant he wanted this lasting longer than it should or that he was just having a hard time.

Harry dug into his pocket, pulling out his plastic credit card and placing it in Louis' hand. He let his hand touch against Louis' too much, more than any other common customer, Louis hadn't a clue if he meant to do it or not, but that touch hit him somewhere inside. He could still feel that hand as it would stroke through his hair lazily as he gazed at the TV listlessly, pretending to be interested, but actually savoring the feeling of being subconsciously adored. He could feel that hand as it would run up and down his sides, feeling every inch and doing so lovingly, always lovingly. He could feel that hand as it would tighten in his own, not in nervousness like right now, but in a sense of security. Louis remembers those few months, while he was still getting those calls, and how he was constantly reaching for something to grab hold of, and he didn't know what, until he did know, and he had cried.

Harry was the first to properly talk, which was a surprise to not only Louis, but also seemed to be to Harry himself, by the expression his face held.

“How've you been, Louis?” His voice was just as strained as his face, but it came out without a waver or stutter, which Louis realized Harry must have worked on during those last few years, and a sudden wave of jealously rushed over him.

“Oh, you know,” Louis started, but halted as he heard the slight tone of annoyance in his voice, and he wasn't sure if Harry noticed it as well, but he quickly changed it.

“I'm alright,” Louis settled on, and he could feel the blood rushing through his veins as he said the almost-lie, because he was alright, he had been alright, until Harry appeared. Or maybe he hadn't, maybe he didn't know he had been missing him. But his dreams did, he knew, because sometimes Louis would wake up in a rush, his heart clenching, sheets all stuck to his sweaty skin, with unexplainable tears in his eyes. And sometimes when Louis would drink, he could feel all his thoughts shift to Harry, Harry, Harry and- maybe Louis did miss him. He didn't want to. He wanted to get on with his life, but every time a nice boy or girl showed any kind of interest he couldn't help but feel as if he was doing something wrong, like cheating or something of the sort, even though he had no one to hurt. Not anymore.

“That's good,” Harry responded, interjecting Louis' drifting thoughts. “I'm, I mean, I've been alright, too.” He sounded as if he was hiding something, or at least leaving something out. It had a hint of leading onto something else, something Louis knew he didn't want to know. But he had to, because if he didn't he'd hate himself for it. He'd drink more, just to avoid the gnawing feeling, but he'd realize too late that, just like every other time, everything would end at Harry, like condensation pooling at the bottom of a glass.

“Are you...” Louis started, not wanting to finish the sentence, because he knew if he did, it would end with his voice cracking. He knew Harry knew that voice crack, he knew he'd recognize it, and Louis couldn't let him do that. He had let Harry hear it so many times, before when he would let himself be vulnerable and in Harry's hands entirely. The days when Louis was at his lowest, his voice would crack at the end of every sentence, then every word, then Harry would hold him until all the cracks were mended and he could feel again. But soon those cracks were caused by Harry himself, and his hold was just making more and more, and Louis felt as though he was being shattered right before his own eyes.

He heard Harry take a breath, then another, and on the third Louis was about to die, but Harry spoke instead, and then Louis wished he would have taken a breath instead, or maybe no breath at all, or ever again.

“Yeah.”

Louis nodded, and he felt his throat closing in, and his body growing colder and colder until he couldn't feel it. He just noticed that the tapping of his foot had stopped, and was now as still as ever. He had a thought that maybe he was turning to stone, and he decided he liked that thought, the coldness of his body turning him to something colder, something that can't feel.

He couldn't even imagine what kind of person Harry was with now. Probably someone beautiful, to suit him. Probably someone that could do things Louis couldn't, say things he couldn't. A person that didn't need something extra, that had everything Harry needed and needed everything Harry had. A person that was everything Louis failed to be.

“You?” Harry asked, and Louis had the feeling that he expected him to say no, he didn't have anyone. And even though it was true, Louis felt disgusted that he expected it. Louis wanted to prove him wrong so he did the second best thing.

“I do,” Louis lied, letting the words slide through his teeth and slice the air. He wanted Harry to feel it. He needed Harry to feel that sting, that same wrenching feeling Louis had, and needed it so fucking bad. The way Harry's entire expression changed after those two words was relief to Louis for a whole six seconds. He could feel the coldness go away, leaving his body in waves and he knew his face was reddening, but he didn't care. Everything bubbling up after those five year was steaming off of him and Louis loved it.

But then those six seconds were up, and the moment was broken when his co-worker handed him the freshly made coffee. Harry took the coffee that Louis held out to him with stiff arms, and this time, he didn't touch his hand. Louis thought it meant he had won, and whatever he won at, it didn't matter, because he just needed that satisfaction. He thought it was in Harry's anger, and it would have been okay if it was just that. Louis would have been okay. But it wasn't.

“I love you, Lou,” Harry said so softly, painfully soft, and all the pride Louis thought he held just moments before, it disappeared entirely. Louis felt his fists, which he didn't even know were curled, fall limply to his sides. All the weight in his body was leaving so rapidly that he was briefly terrified he was about to float away. His throat was closing again and it was closing faster, and this time it was in regret and something else that gave him that small sensation in the back of his nose that he knew so well. He knew it so fucking well because Harry, Harry, Harry. His eyes blurred and Harry became a brown and white shadow, and the shadow was moving away, further and further from Louis. Louis wanted to yell, he wanted to yell for him to come back, to not leave.

_Don't leave me. Don't leave me._

But the shadow was gone, Harry was gone.

It was ten minutes later that Louis locked himself in the cafe's bathroom and sank to the hard ground, letting his low sobs fill the small tiled room.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry.


End file.
